- Darcy Davies Alsop is a mom of two kids, one of them co-slept with her until age 14.
- She and her husband had a healthy sex life, and they got intimate in their spare room.
- This is her story, as told to Jane Ridley.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Darcy Davies Alsop. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I was annoyed when I heard that the actor Alicia Silverstone had been criticized for sharing a bed with her 11-year-old son, Bear.
It's her choice and nobody else's business. I just thought, "Her child is loved and cared for."
That was my philosophy when my son, Gavin, slept in my bed until he was 14.
Doctors will say "do this" and "do that," but their views may be antiquated. These so-called "rules" about co-sleeping are ridiculous.
It's whatever works for your family. Isn't a healthy and well-rested kid the goal here? The same applies to the parents.
Gavin started co-sleeping with me and my husband, Chris, when he was three months. Before that, he was in one of those bassinets that you attach to your bed that make it easier to nurse.
Months went by. Gavin would settle between me and Chris in our king-size bed. The three of us slept well. But when Gavin was 2, we placed him in a proper crib in his own bedroom. But we had to rock him to sleep. He didn't like to self-soothe.
Our son would be there between us when we woke up in the morning
Then we tried sleep training. I'd sit outside the door crying as much as the baby. I had pangs of guilt and thought, "It's horrible, and I can't do this." Eventually, we bought this gizmo that vibrated under his crib. It took two weeks to work, and he'd get through the night without waking up.
But it was just a phase. Gavin figured out how to climb out of his crib, and that was the end of it. He'd come into our room and crawl into bed. Whenever we put him back in his crib, he'd come back out almost immediately.
Sometimes, we'd wake up in the morning, and he'd be there between us. We soon realized that sharing a bed was the only option.
It began to get crowded around the time he was 5. But we didn't stop. We'd laugh about it being "musical beds." My husband would start off with us and then go into Gavin's room while I stayed with him. But when Gavin called out for his dad, Chris would get up to be with him.
We all got quality sleep. We needed to sleep, and that's what we got. I'm one of those people who turns into a monster and doesn't function without it.
Our second child was born when Gavin was 9. Like him, they started out in the co-sleeping crib. When they were older — but still a baby — Gavin and I would sleep with them in the bed. My husband would sleep on the bottom bunk of Gavin's bed. He'd get up at 5.30 a.m. to go to work and not wake us up.
My second kid, Piper, has a different personality than Gavin. It's like the opposite end of the spectrum. They didn't have the same needs and settled into their crib in their own room before moving to a bed. Piper has never said they felt like an outsider because they didn't sleep with us.
I don't agree that the sex life of people who co-sleep with their kids will suffer
As for sex, there'd be windows when the kids were sleeping, and we'd go into the spare room. Those stolen moments felt like an adventure together.
Some people seem to have hang-ups about partners not sleeping together. They think you need to do it to have a happy marriage. Chris and I — who are 52 and 50 respectively — have been married for 26 years.
Gavin stayed in our bed on and off until he went to high school at 14. He drifted into his own bedroom. It was a natural transition. It was probably a combination of puberty, his own sexuality, and wanting private time. But he's still connected and cuddly.
He's 23 now. He sleeps fine by himself but prefers to have someone by his side. He's single, but he's a bit of a lothario. I'm relaxed about girlfriends staying with him at our home in Orange County, California.
We've often joked that Gavin has a "gravitational pull" toward us. It's nice. He'll say, "I'm really glad that you guys slept with me. It's given me security."
As for Alicia Silverstone and her son, they should continue to do whatever works. I think she's a good mother.
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